The past few weeks have been trying to say the least. I have been suffering from severe insomnia and Mike has been stressed to the gills with more work than we can possibly wrap our heads around (not that this is a bad thing in our current economy). But, being that Miracle Construction is a new endeavor for us full time we have not quite got it under reins as far as managing the onslaught of work we have coming in. So, with Mike working 6-7 days a week and the numerous children and us both trying to run healthy programs something was bound to fall by the way side. US!
In the past, Mike may have turned to alcohol to ease his stressed (not to mention the aches and pains from manual labor 80 hrs a week) and I may have been able to sleep thru the night or not have to worry about trying to control every single aspect of our lives. But he being the alcoholic and I being the control-freak super mama alanon that I am, we began to spiral..and I mean spiral completely out of control, out of program (for those of you who dont know what program is I will explain at the end) and out of our ever loving minds!
In the midst of all of this was my 35th birthday, Angels 13th birthday and a host of other things such as bills, school and oh yeah payroll for our employees.
As our lives began to get more and more hectic and the strain began to build in our house to the point that we were all walking around in tears on most days, my dad called one Sunday out of the blue...and I mean completely out of the blue..He asked if Mike might be interested in going to a meeting. So, Dad in his unknowingly infinite saving grace came down to Long Beach (from Idllewild) and as he puts it "Mike took him to a meeting" haha. They came home that night and Dad spent the night but before I headed up to lay Jonah down for the night he handed me a red piece of fabric, a gift...
Wrapped neatly in red fabric and yard was a letter. A letter so valuable and touching, I dont think he may ever know how much it means to me. And so I feel it is so important to tell this story in the letter so that anyone else out there that may have been feeling the way I was may find some relief in hearing it, the way I did.
The story is a native american one that starts that a young boy was gifted a beautiful knife by his father whom he adored and the boy truly loved this knife and one day while the father was trading his furs and hides for various good in town a bunch of bullies beat up the little boy and stole the knife from him.
The little boy was hurt and angry and his anger and rage grew to such proportions that he wanted to hurt those boys. When he told his father of this the father suggested the boy speak to his grandfather.
The grandfather expressed his understanding to the grandson and said that he too had felt this way toward people that had wronged him and that those feelings had raged in him as well. But, he explained to the boy that is because there are 2 wolves that want to live inside of him, a white wolf and a red wolf. The White Wolf is full of anger, rage, resentment, is unforgiving and revengeful and the Red Wolf is full of love, giving, understanding, forgiveness, and happiness but only one wolf can live inside of grandfather he explained to the child. His grandson asked "which one lives in you Grandpa?"
The Grandpa answered "The Wolf I feed lives inside of me"
My Father included an eagle feather for me to keep near me to soften my heart and spirit.
By the time I had completed the letter I was sobbing. I realized that the wolf I had been feeding was the white wolf. I was unable to love or forgive or be understanding. I was simply angry and hurt and revengeful. I put the eagle feather on my mirror and the next day I reminded myself to feed the Red Wolf. I have been on that path since then and it is a very different feeling. Loving is so open and freeing. When you take the time to love and forgive you are opening yourself to get all of that love and forgiveness in return and it is an amazing thing.
I kept the letter wrapped in that red fabric until a few days ago when Jonah took the red fabric and used it as a super hero cape..which I thought was very fitting. And I took this letter and shared it at Alanon ( I am back at my program) there were many tears in the room, including my own and I am thankful for a Father that lives more than 100 miles away but can still hear me in the dark and know when I need to be reminded to feed the Red Wolf.
In the past, Mike may have turned to alcohol to ease his stressed (not to mention the aches and pains from manual labor 80 hrs a week) and I may have been able to sleep thru the night or not have to worry about trying to control every single aspect of our lives. But he being the alcoholic and I being the control-freak super mama alanon that I am, we began to spiral..and I mean spiral completely out of control, out of program (for those of you who dont know what program is I will explain at the end) and out of our ever loving minds!
In the midst of all of this was my 35th birthday, Angels 13th birthday and a host of other things such as bills, school and oh yeah payroll for our employees.
As our lives began to get more and more hectic and the strain began to build in our house to the point that we were all walking around in tears on most days, my dad called one Sunday out of the blue...and I mean completely out of the blue..He asked if Mike might be interested in going to a meeting. So, Dad in his unknowingly infinite saving grace came down to Long Beach (from Idllewild) and as he puts it "Mike took him to a meeting" haha. They came home that night and Dad spent the night but before I headed up to lay Jonah down for the night he handed me a red piece of fabric, a gift...
Wrapped neatly in red fabric and yard was a letter. A letter so valuable and touching, I dont think he may ever know how much it means to me. And so I feel it is so important to tell this story in the letter so that anyone else out there that may have been feeling the way I was may find some relief in hearing it, the way I did.
The story is a native american one that starts that a young boy was gifted a beautiful knife by his father whom he adored and the boy truly loved this knife and one day while the father was trading his furs and hides for various good in town a bunch of bullies beat up the little boy and stole the knife from him.
The little boy was hurt and angry and his anger and rage grew to such proportions that he wanted to hurt those boys. When he told his father of this the father suggested the boy speak to his grandfather.
The grandfather expressed his understanding to the grandson and said that he too had felt this way toward people that had wronged him and that those feelings had raged in him as well. But, he explained to the boy that is because there are 2 wolves that want to live inside of him, a white wolf and a red wolf. The White Wolf is full of anger, rage, resentment, is unforgiving and revengeful and the Red Wolf is full of love, giving, understanding, forgiveness, and happiness but only one wolf can live inside of grandfather he explained to the child. His grandson asked "which one lives in you Grandpa?"
The Grandpa answered "The Wolf I feed lives inside of me"
My Father included an eagle feather for me to keep near me to soften my heart and spirit.
By the time I had completed the letter I was sobbing. I realized that the wolf I had been feeding was the white wolf. I was unable to love or forgive or be understanding. I was simply angry and hurt and revengeful. I put the eagle feather on my mirror and the next day I reminded myself to feed the Red Wolf. I have been on that path since then and it is a very different feeling. Loving is so open and freeing. When you take the time to love and forgive you are opening yourself to get all of that love and forgiveness in return and it is an amazing thing.
I kept the letter wrapped in that red fabric until a few days ago when Jonah took the red fabric and used it as a super hero cape..which I thought was very fitting. And I took this letter and shared it at Alanon ( I am back at my program) there were many tears in the room, including my own and I am thankful for a Father that lives more than 100 miles away but can still hear me in the dark and know when I need to be reminded to feed the Red Wolf.
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