The Miracle Files

Well folks, as is apparent, it may not be humanly possible for me to blog, take care of family, business and the ins and outs of daily life while remaining sane. So, I have been away. But, as always, I am back.....

It is amazing to have been away from the blog for many months and to now return, read the old posts and see how much life can change (not only for me but for those around me) in so short a space of time. Its actually shocking.

Mike and I are on a mission. Well as always we are on a number of missions, overachievers that we seem to be. However, our most recent plans and goals seem to be focused on a more simple lifestyle and a return to the basics. Its quite possible that once you feel you have achieved a certain status or a comfort level it is a more easy progression to begin to move away from that and in to a more simple, less material life. Maybe, it is new found education and health.

Maybe, we are just fed up with the way our children and the children in our community are developing into socially unaware beings that only have the capability to communicate via short hand text messaging and non human interaction. Dont get me wrong here. We feel proud to have raised decent children that seem to have a somewhat sensible grasp. But I would be remiss if I said we didnt feel some failure at the sight of the text hold, the lack of ability to be independent thinkers and the eating habits of our children.

Wow, that was a tangent (sp).

So, in all we have begun to focus on sustainable living, educating the children on social and economic truths and looking toward a future outside of the city. Our real first steps toward this include buying and eating only whole foods (and I dont mean the grocery store people!) and only buying and eating sustainably-raised meat, poultry and dairy products. Now, some of you are looking at the computer screen sideways. And you are undoubtedly wondering why on earth we would do this and how on earth we have time to worry about such things that may seem so trivial. I urge you to do 2 things:

Watch: Food Inc http://www.foodincmovie.com/

and read: http://www.michaelpollan.com/

Over the next year Mike and I (along with the children) will be traveling to sustainable farms all over California. Our first trip is the Barbarosa Ranchers this Thanksgiving Weekend. We will be learning about these farmers, how and why they do what they do and educating ourselves, our family and hopefully our community on the importance of sustainable living. I will be writing about our adventures and posting as much as I can.

Stay tuned.....

"Dad" The word conjures up so many thoughts and memories for most of us. Some good and some bad. But for my 4 year old innocent playful son, I would imagine it is a rather confusing word at this point. Having chosen to be a single mother long before he was born and struggled thru the trials and tribulations that come with that choice and the choice for his "dad" are beginning to weigh heavily now that he commonly uses the word "DAD".

Jonah is a free bird. He loves pink, wore an Easter "costume" that consisted of far too much tulle and ribbon and pranced around in it while he searched for eggs. He is a character and Mike and I have ansured that no one try to take that away from him. If, when we take him to the store to choose a new stroller, he chooses pink we let him have the pink one. It is his choice.

I believe in this strongly. That children are innocent in their thoughts and ways until the world eventually seeps in enought to change us into more calloused adults with egos and agendas. And for as long as I can I will keep my children innocent. I will let them choose pink. I will have them know that their choices should be governed by no one but themselves. And so it was Jonah recently that was brought into the big bad world and faced with ego and agenda..with the word DAD:

About 4 weeks ago Jonah looked Mike squarely in the face and said "You're my Dad". Touched Mike said "I sure am". Mike and I have only been married for a year. But when you consider that jonah is just shy of 4 years old and add the time we have dated, Jonah has known Mike for most of the time that he has had a memory of such things. He sees Mike as the person who catches him when he falls, gives him a bath, takes him for a bike ride, reads him books at night, etc etc. So this was no surprise to us when he said these things. And over the next few weeks he made more and more "dad" comments.."I have 2 dads", "you're my dad too", Pablo Mike is my Dad", "hey Dad"..and so on..he even asked me if I had 2 dads, and who else might have 2 dads. He's been on a kick. Jonah is very smart and he has been very happy to explore this new found part of his family.

Until last week. When his biological father-Chris told him that Mike is not his Dad and that people can only have 1 dad and therefore Mike is Mike and is not his Dad. Jonah came home hysterical to a point I couldnt understand him and when he was finally calm he said "My Dad Chris said that My Dad Mike is not Dad he's just Mike" and he cried himself to sleep.

I am heartbroken. Not heartbroken for myself or for Mike. But heartbroken for Jonah that he, at such a young age, has now experienced what it feels like to have someone elses will pushed on you regardless of how you feel. To have your innocence taken away just because you love someone. I explained to Jonah over the next few days that he has the right to call Mike whatever he feel comfortable with. But this has undoubtedly changed him, changed his innocence in this area. This has begun the unravelling of his innocence.

His dad stopped by yesterday with some crazy argument about people only having one dad (even thought the man he calls dad is his step dad) and I brought up that point and he said thats because his real dad isnt in the picture. So his final argument is that people can only have one dad. Which sent me completely thru the roof for all of my dear friends who are raising children in gay families.

And did I mention in the beginning of this that I chose to be a single parent from the start. Being a biological father does not make you a dad. Being a decent human being makes you a dad or a mom or a papa or a mama or even a lala for that matter. We raise our families by the means of which we feel is right in this crazy world. And for many of us that means more than one mom and more than one dad and even a lala and probably many many good friends.

It is our job to raise our children to follow their hearts, to love openly, to care deeply and to never turn someone away because of rules set forth by society or sect. It is our job to raise loving children. It is our job to give them our hearts, not our opinions. It is our love that will teach them love. We are but a vessel to guide them toward love and understanding. There is no room for ego, nor hate..only love..

I end this with that thought...If you give your children the chance to love, what might this world be?

1 year...365 days..today. (I feel like I should start singing the RENT song)

I was suddenly struck by the importance of this day to so many people in my life and thru blogging that I sit here somewhat in awe. The past year represents so much to me as a person, and as I think about it I feel so blessed to have the strength of good health and lasting love that has been presented to me.

Today, after 365 days Kate has not taken a single drink of alcohol. At her tender 20 something age she has fought off and won the battle of these past 365 days and I know that it has not been easy. She has no idea her own strength. She has no idea her own beauty. But over this past year and in the coming minutes, days and years she is willing to learn an entirely new person lives inside of her and for that she is much much more brave than most people her age. Sister, you are a bird meant to fly....so spread those wings..

It is another 1 year birthday today, the birth of little Audrey Caroline, and for those of you who do not know her story or of her beautiful, faithful family you can read about it here: http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/. Having brought her in to this world and given her wings to fly on the very same day we are all reminded that life is so sweet and a gift we cannot control nor understand but faith must keep us sane. So Angie, my girls and I will plant a Cherry Blossom Tree today to remind us of the fragility of beauty and the importance of pruning.

Tears are streaming down my face as I write this blog and I am not yet half way thru. This day holds so much importance, so much life...yes life.

Today is the day that Kathy will undergo surgery for the tumors that have grown from the 4 year battle she has fought with cancer. Today is a birthday for her too isnt it? I day of new birth free from cancer we can hope. A day we can begin to count. Today is her day for us all to have hope and faith.

And today is the day that little baby Stellan will begin his new journey toward a healthier heart. And if you dont know Stellans rad journey you can check it out here: http://www.mycharmingkids.net/ Again, like Kathy, I hope today is a birthday for Stellan as well a day to start a new count, a count toward new timelines, away from PICU's and SVT's and toward happy, healthy baby days.

Happy Birthday Kate and Audrey Caroline! And Happy Today Kathy and Stellan!

We are all looking forward to the next 365!

And so it is with great sadness that our dear friend Kathy prepares to enter the hospital for yet another surgery (after what has been years and years of surgery) to keep fighting the ever winning battle of cancer. For those of us that have fought cancer, this battle sends a chill up ones spine and tears spring forth with a fervor uncontrolled.

Anger comes forth. Anger at a healthcare system that let her get so sick before finding the cancer. Anger at drug companies that seem to lack the willingness to share drugs at a pace that will allow more people to be helped. And anger in general at a world that would take such an amazing person and let her suffer at the hands of such a ravaging disease.

But as you know, anger is not an action that sits well with me. So, I almost instantly think of Kathy and her laughter. Her undying love for V. The way we all took the red bus to pride in Long Beach and they bought me a card for hosting everyone at my house that weekend. The food..oh the food. The ongoing jokes and the showing up. The always showed up. Have you noticed that? They always showed up? I have been away from our group of friends for a bit of time now but suffered my own battle with cancer while we were so actively friends and there they were..part of the group of friends that always showed up. My children remember that in the worste of times with my health, Kathy and V were there (as were many of you).

And now with Kathy sick. I want to do more. I want to sleep next to her bed and hold her hand and make her laugh that wonderful laugh. I want to reach out to our amazing group of friends and ask them not to lose faith and its hard oh yes it is so hard to not lose faith.

I want to know why we dont screen for this type of cancer as I was just reading that womens cancers are mostly not screened for. Euterine and Ovarian cancers primarily are not detected until far too late. Why?

And I am reminded that my 33 year old cousin just passed last month from Euterine Cancer. She left behind 3 young children. What on earth are we doing wrong that we are not looking for these cancers in young women? Do not tell me that this is about age or status or anything else! I was in my 20's when I passed out in the hallway to find I had stage 4 cancer. Kathy and my cousin in their 30's! We are not in a 3rd world country. We are not afraid to see doctors and some of us even begged doctors to help us because we were in pain. Someone please tell me what women need to do to be taken seriously. Death is clearly not enough.

Anger is seeping back in. And I dont want to be angry. I want to do something. I want my 3 daughters to have a chance in this world, I want my friends and family to have hope. I want to have faith. Just give me a little to work with here. Give me faith..hope..give me something to work with..

As I sit here I look up at a prayer Brigitte gave me and was part of my wedding (and you all know I'm not the most religious, spiritual-yes, religious-no). But it reminds me that I must try to let peace in and understand, where I have doubt I must have FAITH and sister I have DOUBT! But I know FAITH resides inside of me. And I beat this ugly awful disease and they ran orange poison thru my veins and told me I not dare try to live. So pray for Kathy and V. Have Faith in her. And as Jenny would say, imagine those little army men fighting that battle inside of her and WINNING.....


Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

The past few weeks have been trying to say the least. I have been suffering from severe insomnia and Mike has been stressed to the gills with more work than we can possibly wrap our heads around (not that this is a bad thing in our current economy). But, being that Miracle Construction is a new endeavor for us full time we have not quite got it under reins as far as managing the onslaught of work we have coming in. So, with Mike working 6-7 days a week and the numerous children and us both trying to run healthy programs something was bound to fall by the way side. US!



In the past, Mike may have turned to alcohol to ease his stressed (not to mention the aches and pains from manual labor 80 hrs a week) and I may have been able to sleep thru the night or not have to worry about trying to control every single aspect of our lives. But he being the alcoholic and I being the control-freak super mama alanon that I am, we began to spiral..and I mean spiral completely out of control, out of program (for those of you who dont know what program is I will explain at the end) and out of our ever loving minds!



In the midst of all of this was my 35th birthday, Angels 13th birthday and a host of other things such as bills, school and oh yeah payroll for our employees.



As our lives began to get more and more hectic and the strain began to build in our house to the point that we were all walking around in tears on most days, my dad called one Sunday out of the blue...and I mean completely out of the blue..He asked if Mike might be interested in going to a meeting. So, Dad in his unknowingly infinite saving grace came down to Long Beach (from Idllewild) and as he puts it "Mike took him to a meeting" haha. They came home that night and Dad spent the night but before I headed up to lay Jonah down for the night he handed me a red piece of fabric, a gift...



Wrapped neatly in red fabric and yard was a letter. A letter so valuable and touching, I dont think he may ever know how much it means to me. And so I feel it is so important to tell this story in the letter so that anyone else out there that may have been feeling the way I was may find some relief in hearing it, the way I did.

The story is a native american one that starts that a young boy was gifted a beautiful knife by his father whom he adored and the boy truly loved this knife and one day while the father was trading his furs and hides for various good in town a bunch of bullies beat up the little boy and stole the knife from him.

The little boy was hurt and angry and his anger and rage grew to such proportions that he wanted to hurt those boys. When he told his father of this the father suggested the boy speak to his grandfather.

The grandfather expressed his understanding to the grandson and said that he too had felt this way toward people that had wronged him and that those feelings had raged in him as well. But, he explained to the boy that is because there are 2 wolves that want to live inside of him, a white wolf and a red wolf. The White Wolf is full of anger, rage, resentment, is unforgiving and revengeful and the Red Wolf is full of love, giving, understanding, forgiveness, and happiness but only one wolf can live inside of grandfather he explained to the child. His grandson asked "which one lives in you Grandpa?"

The Grandpa answered "The Wolf I feed lives inside of me"

My Father included an eagle feather for me to keep near me to soften my heart and spirit.

By the time I had completed the letter I was sobbing. I realized that the wolf I had been feeding was the white wolf. I was unable to love or forgive or be understanding. I was simply angry and hurt and revengeful. I put the eagle feather on my mirror and the next day I reminded myself to feed the Red Wolf. I have been on that path since then and it is a very different feeling. Loving is so open and freeing. When you take the time to love and forgive you are opening yourself to get all of that love and forgiveness in return and it is an amazing thing.

I kept the letter wrapped in that red fabric until a few days ago when Jonah took the red fabric and used it as a super hero cape..which I thought was very fitting. And I took this letter and shared it at Alanon ( I am back at my program) there were many tears in the room, including my own and I am thankful for a Father that lives more than 100 miles away but can still hear me in the dark and know when I need to be reminded to feed the Red Wolf.

OK, they should really give a class on Blogging for us dummy's that cant figure this thing out. Its really not the blogging that is the issue, its the learning how to set up the page for goodness sake! And I guess there are probably plenty of sites out there that show you how but I am not about to take the time to go look, I'd rather spend my precious little time alone scouring html and frustrating myself to no end just to have it come out looking not as good as I really want it to. Ugh. And then be too tired and frustrated to really write anything of real value when I'm all done...

The Miracle Files were on hold while I was busy raising kids and doing what us Mom's do but I am back and will try to stay as up to date with this as possible. I was inspired by a few blogs I have read recently and thought I really should get back to it. In case you are new to "The Miracles" I thought I would give a refresher. And check out some posts I put up later about the crazy adventures I have had recently with Jonah (commercials and chickenpox) HeeHee

The Miracles:

Mike and I met online (yes online). As I say that it occurs to me that many of you may not even know this story. So, yes we met online in February of 08 and shortly thereafter met in real life to find we were instantly in love. Haha. We should do a Match.com commercial! As a matter of fact, Mike was on KIIS FM this morning talking about meeting online (that crazy guy called the radio station!) I didnt hear it but if you did let me know. We got married in September of 08 only 7 months after meeting, 4 years after me recovering from Hodgkins Lymphona and only 1 month after Mike entering recovery for alcoholism. So, needless to say its been quite an adventure. All good things come with some work! Mike brought sweet Morgan (10) to our family and I brought...wait for it....Kendra (18), Lupe (14), Angel (12), and Jonah (3). So we are about as blended as it gets. We have experienced it all, sibling rivalry, ex husbands and wives and best of all-being newlyweds. But we wouldnt trade our lives for anything. My dad-Mac Lopez (www.whirlwindstudios.com) married us on the beach of Hotel Del Coronado and I could not have wished for a more perfect day. And he has played an important role in our marriage ever since. He is such a beautiful part of our lives. I dont think he knows it and I hope he discovers one day that for all the faults of his past he could not have tried to be a better father than the one he is today. We'll talk more about that later. So, now Mike and I have 5 great kids, each with their own unique personality (and one with enough personality for the whole world :) and we vascilate between wanting another and loving that Jonah is just now old enough to sleep thru the night (sometimes, ugh). So thats the start of our story...theres more to come. In a house with 5 children, 2 parents, and 1 giant dog theres always something happening around here..John and Kate aint got nothing on us!