And so it is with great sadness that our dear friend Kathy prepares to enter the hospital for yet another surgery (after what has been years and years of surgery) to keep fighting the ever winning battle of cancer. For those of us that have fought cancer, this battle sends a chill up ones spine and tears spring forth with a fervor uncontrolled.
Anger comes forth. Anger at a healthcare system that let her get so sick before finding the cancer. Anger at drug companies that seem to lack the willingness to share drugs at a pace that will allow more people to be helped. And anger in general at a world that would take such an amazing person and let her suffer at the hands of such a ravaging disease.
But as you know, anger is not an action that sits well with me. So, I almost instantly think of Kathy and her laughter. Her undying love for V. The way we all took the red bus to pride in Long Beach and they bought me a card for hosting everyone at my house that weekend. The food..oh the food. The ongoing jokes and the showing up. The always showed up. Have you noticed that? They always showed up? I have been away from our group of friends for a bit of time now but suffered my own battle with cancer while we were so actively friends and there they were..part of the group of friends that always showed up. My children remember that in the worste of times with my health, Kathy and V were there (as were many of you).
And now with Kathy sick. I want to do more. I want to sleep next to her bed and hold her hand and make her laugh that wonderful laugh. I want to reach out to our amazing group of friends and ask them not to lose faith and its hard oh yes it is so hard to not lose faith.
I want to know why we dont screen for this type of cancer as I was just reading that womens cancers are mostly not screened for. Euterine and Ovarian cancers primarily are not detected until far too late. Why?
And I am reminded that my 33 year old cousin just passed last month from Euterine Cancer. She left behind 3 young children. What on earth are we doing wrong that we are not looking for these cancers in young women? Do not tell me that this is about age or status or anything else! I was in my 20's when I passed out in the hallway to find I had stage 4 cancer. Kathy and my cousin in their 30's! We are not in a 3rd world country. We are not afraid to see doctors and some of us even begged doctors to help us because we were in pain. Someone please tell me what women need to do to be taken seriously. Death is clearly not enough.
Anger is seeping back in. And I dont want to be angry. I want to do something. I want my 3 daughters to have a chance in this world, I want my friends and family to have hope. I want to have faith. Just give me a little to work with here. Give me faith..hope..give me something to work with..
As I sit here I look up at a prayer Brigitte gave me and was part of my wedding (and you all know I'm not the most religious, spiritual-yes, religious-no). But it reminds me that I must try to let peace in and understand, where I have doubt I must have FAITH and sister I have DOUBT! But I know FAITH resides inside of me. And I beat this ugly awful disease and they ran orange poison thru my veins and told me I not dare try to live. So pray for Kathy and V. Have Faith in her. And as Jenny would say, imagine those little army men fighting that battle inside of her and WINNING.....
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.
Anger comes forth. Anger at a healthcare system that let her get so sick before finding the cancer. Anger at drug companies that seem to lack the willingness to share drugs at a pace that will allow more people to be helped. And anger in general at a world that would take such an amazing person and let her suffer at the hands of such a ravaging disease.
But as you know, anger is not an action that sits well with me. So, I almost instantly think of Kathy and her laughter. Her undying love for V. The way we all took the red bus to pride in Long Beach and they bought me a card for hosting everyone at my house that weekend. The food..oh the food. The ongoing jokes and the showing up. The always showed up. Have you noticed that? They always showed up? I have been away from our group of friends for a bit of time now but suffered my own battle with cancer while we were so actively friends and there they were..part of the group of friends that always showed up. My children remember that in the worste of times with my health, Kathy and V were there (as were many of you).
And now with Kathy sick. I want to do more. I want to sleep next to her bed and hold her hand and make her laugh that wonderful laugh. I want to reach out to our amazing group of friends and ask them not to lose faith and its hard oh yes it is so hard to not lose faith.
I want to know why we dont screen for this type of cancer as I was just reading that womens cancers are mostly not screened for. Euterine and Ovarian cancers primarily are not detected until far too late. Why?
And I am reminded that my 33 year old cousin just passed last month from Euterine Cancer. She left behind 3 young children. What on earth are we doing wrong that we are not looking for these cancers in young women? Do not tell me that this is about age or status or anything else! I was in my 20's when I passed out in the hallway to find I had stage 4 cancer. Kathy and my cousin in their 30's! We are not in a 3rd world country. We are not afraid to see doctors and some of us even begged doctors to help us because we were in pain. Someone please tell me what women need to do to be taken seriously. Death is clearly not enough.
Anger is seeping back in. And I dont want to be angry. I want to do something. I want my 3 daughters to have a chance in this world, I want my friends and family to have hope. I want to have faith. Just give me a little to work with here. Give me faith..hope..give me something to work with..
As I sit here I look up at a prayer Brigitte gave me and was part of my wedding (and you all know I'm not the most religious, spiritual-yes, religious-no). But it reminds me that I must try to let peace in and understand, where I have doubt I must have FAITH and sister I have DOUBT! But I know FAITH resides inside of me. And I beat this ugly awful disease and they ran orange poison thru my veins and told me I not dare try to live. So pray for Kathy and V. Have Faith in her. And as Jenny would say, imagine those little army men fighting that battle inside of her and WINNING.....
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.
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