"Dad" The word conjures up so many thoughts and memories for most of us. Some good and some bad. But for my 4 year old innocent playful son, I would imagine it is a rather confusing word at this point. Having chosen to be a single mother long before he was born and struggled thru the trials and tribulations that come with that choice and the choice for his "dad" are beginning to weigh heavily now that he commonly uses the word "DAD".
Jonah is a free bird. He loves pink, wore an Easter "costume" that consisted of far too much tulle and ribbon and pranced around in it while he searched for eggs. He is a character and Mike and I have ansured that no one try to take that away from him. If, when we take him to the store to choose a new stroller, he chooses pink we let him have the pink one. It is his choice.
I believe in this strongly. That children are innocent in their thoughts and ways until the world eventually seeps in enought to change us into more calloused adults with egos and agendas. And for as long as I can I will keep my children innocent. I will let them choose pink. I will have them know that their choices should be governed by no one but themselves. And so it was Jonah recently that was brought into the big bad world and faced with ego and agenda..with the word DAD:
About 4 weeks ago Jonah looked Mike squarely in the face and said "You're my Dad". Touched Mike said "I sure am". Mike and I have only been married for a year. But when you consider that jonah is just shy of 4 years old and add the time we have dated, Jonah has known Mike for most of the time that he has had a memory of such things. He sees Mike as the person who catches him when he falls, gives him a bath, takes him for a bike ride, reads him books at night, etc etc. So this was no surprise to us when he said these things. And over the next few weeks he made more and more "dad" comments.."I have 2 dads", "you're my dad too", Pablo Mike is my Dad", "hey Dad"..and so on..he even asked me if I had 2 dads, and who else might have 2 dads. He's been on a kick. Jonah is very smart and he has been very happy to explore this new found part of his family.
Until last week. When his biological father-Chris told him that Mike is not his Dad and that people can only have 1 dad and therefore Mike is Mike and is not his Dad. Jonah came home hysterical to a point I couldnt understand him and when he was finally calm he said "My Dad Chris said that My Dad Mike is not Dad he's just Mike" and he cried himself to sleep.
I am heartbroken. Not heartbroken for myself or for Mike. But heartbroken for Jonah that he, at such a young age, has now experienced what it feels like to have someone elses will pushed on you regardless of how you feel. To have your innocence taken away just because you love someone. I explained to Jonah over the next few days that he has the right to call Mike whatever he feel comfortable with. But this has undoubtedly changed him, changed his innocence in this area. This has begun the unravelling of his innocence.
His dad stopped by yesterday with some crazy argument about people only having one dad (even thought the man he calls dad is his step dad) and I brought up that point and he said thats because his real dad isnt in the picture. So his final argument is that people can only have one dad. Which sent me completely thru the roof for all of my dear friends who are raising children in gay families.
And did I mention in the beginning of this that I chose to be a single parent from the start. Being a biological father does not make you a dad. Being a decent human being makes you a dad or a mom or a papa or a mama or even a lala for that matter. We raise our families by the means of which we feel is right in this crazy world. And for many of us that means more than one mom and more than one dad and even a lala and probably many many good friends.
It is our job to raise our children to follow their hearts, to love openly, to care deeply and to never turn someone away because of rules set forth by society or sect. It is our job to raise loving children. It is our job to give them our hearts, not our opinions. It is our love that will teach them love. We are but a vessel to guide them toward love and understanding. There is no room for ego, nor hate..only love..
I end this with that thought...If you give your children the chance to love, what might this world be?
Jonah is a free bird. He loves pink, wore an Easter "costume" that consisted of far too much tulle and ribbon and pranced around in it while he searched for eggs. He is a character and Mike and I have ansured that no one try to take that away from him. If, when we take him to the store to choose a new stroller, he chooses pink we let him have the pink one. It is his choice.
I believe in this strongly. That children are innocent in their thoughts and ways until the world eventually seeps in enought to change us into more calloused adults with egos and agendas. And for as long as I can I will keep my children innocent. I will let them choose pink. I will have them know that their choices should be governed by no one but themselves. And so it was Jonah recently that was brought into the big bad world and faced with ego and agenda..with the word DAD:
About 4 weeks ago Jonah looked Mike squarely in the face and said "You're my Dad". Touched Mike said "I sure am". Mike and I have only been married for a year. But when you consider that jonah is just shy of 4 years old and add the time we have dated, Jonah has known Mike for most of the time that he has had a memory of such things. He sees Mike as the person who catches him when he falls, gives him a bath, takes him for a bike ride, reads him books at night, etc etc. So this was no surprise to us when he said these things. And over the next few weeks he made more and more "dad" comments.."I have 2 dads", "you're my dad too", Pablo Mike is my Dad", "hey Dad"..and so on..he even asked me if I had 2 dads, and who else might have 2 dads. He's been on a kick. Jonah is very smart and he has been very happy to explore this new found part of his family.
Until last week. When his biological father-Chris told him that Mike is not his Dad and that people can only have 1 dad and therefore Mike is Mike and is not his Dad. Jonah came home hysterical to a point I couldnt understand him and when he was finally calm he said "My Dad Chris said that My Dad Mike is not Dad he's just Mike" and he cried himself to sleep.
I am heartbroken. Not heartbroken for myself or for Mike. But heartbroken for Jonah that he, at such a young age, has now experienced what it feels like to have someone elses will pushed on you regardless of how you feel. To have your innocence taken away just because you love someone. I explained to Jonah over the next few days that he has the right to call Mike whatever he feel comfortable with. But this has undoubtedly changed him, changed his innocence in this area. This has begun the unravelling of his innocence.
His dad stopped by yesterday with some crazy argument about people only having one dad (even thought the man he calls dad is his step dad) and I brought up that point and he said thats because his real dad isnt in the picture. So his final argument is that people can only have one dad. Which sent me completely thru the roof for all of my dear friends who are raising children in gay families.
And did I mention in the beginning of this that I chose to be a single parent from the start. Being a biological father does not make you a dad. Being a decent human being makes you a dad or a mom or a papa or a mama or even a lala for that matter. We raise our families by the means of which we feel is right in this crazy world. And for many of us that means more than one mom and more than one dad and even a lala and probably many many good friends.
It is our job to raise our children to follow their hearts, to love openly, to care deeply and to never turn someone away because of rules set forth by society or sect. It is our job to raise loving children. It is our job to give them our hearts, not our opinions. It is our love that will teach them love. We are but a vessel to guide them toward love and understanding. There is no room for ego, nor hate..only love..
I end this with that thought...If you give your children the chance to love, what might this world be?
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